When talk is definitely not cheap!
Met with several newly (and some not so newly) separated spouses this past week and each of them were still on speaking terms with their ex’s. That’s the good news.
Good, because the kitchentabledivorce (KTD) approach that I developed, and practise, is all about encouraging communication and co-operation between separated spouses, as an alternative to the traditional, adversarial, scorched earth, courtroom approach, practised by other lawyers.
Furthermore, KTD also acknowledges and promotes the concept of supportive emotional counselling as a valuable (and often neglected) healing adjunct to the legal process.
In other words KTD is all about the much bigger post divorce picture, not just the legal part of separation and divorce
After all, when the legal matters are finally settled with your ex (and they will be-trust me) you’ll still have the rest of your life to live. Continuing to feel unhappy about yourself, or finding yourself (yet again) in another unsatisfactory relationship is not the way you will want to live it.
So what’s the bad news about your communicating with your ex?
Nothing at all, provided you can resist the temptation whether motivated by guilt, shame, or emotional exhaustion to negotiate a settlement before you have any idea about your legal rights and responsibilities.
I can hear some of you say, “What’s the problem I can simply tell my ex that I didn’t know what I was agreeing to, and I didn’t sign anything, so whatever we agreed isn’t legal anyway.”
Right, you can tell your ex that you didn’t know the true value of the family residence that she wants to keep, which neither party thought of appraising. So instead of the one hundred thousand dollars you agreed to accept for your interest in the home (because the appraised value discloses a higher valuation) she will now have to pay you one hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Remember this has got nothing to do with being legally binding and everything to do with being considered morally binding by your spouse. In other words if you negotiate (or rather promise) a truly crappy deal such as the above, your ex will expect that you stand by it.
If you now insist that your ex will just have to pay you more, see how far you now get with negotiating the balance of all of the other outstanding matters. In my experience, not bloody far!
So before you agree to pay, or accept anything for anything, or promise to abandon some other right ( ie spousal support) or interest, make sure you first find out about your legal rights and responsibilities. That is if you want to maximize the chance of a negotiated, mutually satisfactory agreement.
Only then is it time to sit down at the kitchen table and unzip your lip!
